I have created three IndieGogo campaigns in my lifetime.
No, I am not suffering from an illness. No, I haven’t created a beautiful invention that seizes the means of production. Am I talented? Well, not exactly. So why? Ha, rhetorical question, bitch. Only I know the answer to this one. I take back the bitch bit; that was said in the heat of the moment. Back to the question at hand. I wanted money and I saw IndieGogo as a get rich quick scheme. The way I USED to do this wasn’t through the classic lemonade stand… I used to collect gravel outside our house, polish it and sell it for a euro from a wine box. I mean, don’t look at me funnily. Look at the people who bought pieces of gravel because APPARENTLY there is a market for that shit. I mean, I just assumed this website would be the new-fangled way of gravel hawking but minus the gravel. Honestly, I thought everyone else was missing out on a trick. Everyone else hadn’t seen this website that gives you FREE MONEY. I mean, why is everyone obsessed with working to get money when you can just log on this site and get it for free? Heck to capitalism. Viva l’Anarchie. In my defence, I did receive 10 euro for my hard work so my theory was partly right. At least, I know some anonymous internet man who absolutely despises money has my back!
It would probably be important to mention why I wanted the money. I want to one day have enough to do the Scrooge McDuck dive. Did you not get the memo? But also it was to stream video games online. What I hate is that I can’t even call my past self a nerd because I literally just started doing it again last week. I guess I could call present me a nerd but present me will read this while editing and not be too happy [yeah that’s right fucker, back down]. Of course, there were a couple of problems. It is common knowledge that Irish people harness the power of the potato for internet (haha casual racism, amirite?). In all seriousness though, if the famine strikes again, two things will happen. Firstly, we’re going to starve but also no wifi which is the real cruelty here. How am I meant to look up ‘tips to not starve’ on Wikihow … Another issue is that a weird thing happens when I try to do anything comedic by myself*. It falls completely and absolutely flat. My theory is that I need somebody to riff off to make something even remotely funny or I just get stuck in an endless loop of self-deprecation [if you ever see this loop beginning, you have to do something to stop it. It is an endless loop that will envelop all]. Feel free to use the phrase ‘riffing off somebody‘ whenever you feel like, by the way. Just make sure to send an e-mail before you do so I’m aware. The last problem? Oh. I’m bad. At video games that is. So, with all of these set backs, I was very surprised to get my first fan.
Now, if everyone had to choose a guardian angel for the rest of their lives, I would say ‘fuck off’ to the actually angels, and choose this man instead. I mean, I made him the next best thing to a guardian angel. I made him a moderator giving him a little tiny white sword to fight off the trolls. (this analogy is A+ and is going on my gravestone next to ‘If you have the ability to raise the dead, make me a priority even though I have nothing to offer but I swear I have a lot of enthusiasm‘).
Hold on, quick aside. This seems like all I’m capable of doing but this is how my brain works. Let it go wild. Ok. A range of coffin beds and the slogan is ‘Rest in Peace’.
Continuing on, this guy is amazing, just because of his dedication to the cause. The cause? Well, that’s sitting through 3 hours listening to me talk… and interacting. Honestly, I couldn’t stomach it myself but he seems to like it. Very improbable, I know. Hey, I wouldn’t be mad if he made a program which just responded every 2 minutes with random words. At least the code likes me. With Tango, came his reluctant friends who he wanted to show me off to, however. He could never understand why they didn’t like me, however. Psst. I can give you a hint. I’m hu-m-n gar-ag-. That might take a while to decode so I’ll continue with my train of thought. Choo Choo.
As an insight, all this joking about the matter only actually became a thing around now. Back then, I was really serious about making this work. I even had a whole business plan with charts (that I didn’t understand, obviously), to show my parents that I was a worthy investment option. These shitty circles that looked like pie charts clearly showed that I would get a sponsorship within the month and be making money. This was before I even started. Also, before I started, I bought some Twitch apparel. This was so that I could wear it on webcam and if the viewer squinted at the really blocky pixels, they could see how professional I truly was. Hold on, dear reader. Holy shit. Dear reader is so close to being a palindrome. Why can’t dear be spelled ‘redear’? My day has been ruined. What I was saying is: dear reader, there is more. Again, to clarify. Before I even started, I designed and created apparel and merchandise for my channel which didn’t exist yet. T-shirts that felt like canvas bags. Beanies that were so stiff that they could be used as a murder weapon. Lanyards. Need I say more. Now, I can’t actually tell you what was going through my head but I can tell you that I am eternally grateful that they weren’t vetoed for production immediately. That would leave me with a warehouse full of t-shirts minus the warehouse. And no money. My one problem is this fever I get into whenever I discover something new. Usually, I average out at around the active enough mark on a normal day but when I find something that I want to develop some sort of productive, evil spirit takes over me. A problem that comes with this is when this bad demon man leaves me alone I usually have lost all interest in it.
There is a plot twist like all good pieces of literature. The bad demon is inside me as we speak and is giving me the fever to write. this. blog. Scary, I know. Also, this story has absolutely no pay off. Please again leave any complaints in an e-mail to me. What? You can’t find my e-mail. Oh. Anyway, this unlike my other stories is an open ended saga and THE SAGA CONTINUES.
-amalfo (or one of my other aliases)
Sidenote: I didn’t realise the amount of anti-capitalism things that were in the intro. This demon possessing me may be Karl Marx.