‘Father Nature’, crafty evolution and neglected brains

The Second Coming of the Human.

You’re already hooked, aren’t you? Well, I wouldn’t blame you. Who doesn’t want to know what humans will be like when you’re … dead. Oh. Sorry. That’s a sore spot.

‘The Second Coming of the Human’ seems like a grandiose title but it isn’t what it looks like. This wasn’t a book or a PhD paper and it didn’t have the help of  world-famous scientists. No, this was a school science project.

Make way! Make way! Let me squeeze this little masterpiece between those replica volcanos.

The second big revelation is that this was in no way my project. You’d be surprised, but there is a lot of drama to be found at a science fair. For example, I eloped with a smarter man so I could get the job done.

We did nothing.

There’s a lesson to all you real elopers. Look for smarts not brains. Even though we did nothing, we still managed to influence this creation. The two who made this project were fuelled by jealousy because of our ‘elite’ team so I’d suggest that the credit should go to the two wonderful catalysts.

Now, this project wasn’t beautiful. It also never got to see the light of day. But I saw it. Don’t look so shocked. You came here for hard hitting journalism, did you not? I don’t want to reveal too much but it was most certainly ahead of it’s time. It was a poster with a picture of a man scrawled on it with little notes in the margin. What did they think would happen to humans in the future? Well, this group with the help of their new group member, Wikipedia, had some fantastic ideas! It’s amazing to think that they came up with these ideas so young!

According to them, the humans of the future would have bigger lungs.

‘Twice the lung acres you say! Marvellous. That is prime real estate.’

Not so marvellous, man that only exists on that one italicised line. The reason behind the need for these bigger lungs is distressing. The worse the air quality is, the harder our air sacks have to work and the more evolution will need to change to make up for this. This isn’t the most exciting change, I must say. If someone could sell this upgrade I can’t see the queue extending too far. Just keep in mind the comic image of a lot of really wide chested people. Not even funny. Let’s move on.

I think a much more interesting change would be mono-ethnicity. We will all be the same creamy coffee colour without the great flavour. Just the same inedible and undrinkable humans as usual. Unless nature wants us to be a beverage? In all seriousness, mono-ethnicity could break down a lot of boundaries. I mean from the beginning of time, humans have loved putting up boundaries and boxes.

Their tribe not our tribe. Our tribe is best tribe. I shall grunt at them to assert dominance. I have deduced that we shall not share our hospitality or our resources with these folk – London settler, 2016

Without the crutch of division using race, however, I can trust the crafty human to create new divides. Perhaps by making a new colour chart that identifies the light milky coffee skin tones from lighter milky coffee skin? Damn those light milky coffees. Or else divide they could begin dividing people by personality. I guess that would be a step in the right direction, at least. The new trendy thing would be judging a book by its content. What a novel idea!

There could be a vast amount of other physical changes. Some people say height. Others say hair loss but let’s pretend I’m mother nature and I get to sculpt the human race. Before I take on this prestigious role, I must warn you, the first batch will not be of a high standard. I was never exceptional at art so if it’s anything like making pottery, then this might not go well. Some of you may look like clay snakes. Apart from the unlucky few who end up like this, I do have a change in mind. Mostly to benefit myself.

There are 5 messages that I hate receiving. Pain. Hunger. Thirst. Wuu2. Tiredness. I loathe these things because they  do a very good job at distracting you from important work. For example, if you leave from binging a tv series, Netflix will get lonely.

Yes, buddy. I’m still here.

It’s possible to deal with four of these messages with my promotion to mother nature. If we’re in pain, we’re smart enough to acknowledge it and to know that something is abnormal. So why not be able to flick an off switch? At the moment, the brain is sending us messages and YOU’RE ignoring the poor guy. What I propose is a way to pull out a wisdom keyboard and tell the little fellow that you’re hearing him loud and clear. There goes the pain.

There would have to be some repercussions though. Think about it like a mental snooze button. If you go too long without resolving your problem then it comes back with twice the force. You won’t be able to abuse this button like you’re poor, defenceless alarm. Let’s say you put off sleep for a couple of hours and you feel perfect for that time. In my universe, if you went any longer without sleeping, you would just pass out. Same goes for pain. If you ignore your pain too long, you die. Sorry the rules are the rules around here. Just try not to forget about that little headache that you put off treating.

This is only the first change I’d make, so just let me take a peek at the genetic code and I can- No? Well, what was the point of writing all this shit out?

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